I tried to give up writing

I’m busy, very busy, sleeping and studying
and drinking and dressing up and down to
go up- and down town. My head is full of
kisses, sambuca shots and grade boundaries.

I have no time for notebooks, for cafes, for
scribbles on the 9, 10 or 27. Poems are replaced
by lists. Time alone, once spent thinking, is now
time spent with him, time not spent thinking.
I have plans to make, a world to move across.

I have a dream where it’s dark and I am
alone and unsteady. I am tilted and
rocked back, violent

as if the century had taken me by the
shoulders and is shaking, Can you hear
me? Are you listening?

I am shook. I can hear you. I am listening.

published in Magma 42 (Winter 2008) edited by Laurie Smith

Nina Bahadur lived in North London and was 18 when
this poem was written.