All right, all right, if you insist – third turn on the left into Deadpan Alley, any time

after midnight, knock twice, whistle the first three bars of, say, the second track on
The Return of Dr.Octagon, and Rat-Butt Billy will let you in if he likes the tune and the
look of you – don’t try too hard, he’s got a nose for the prick, the prat, the poseur
and the ponce – just take things easy, a nod’s OK, but for God’s sake don’t smile –
Billy has this thing about guys who smile – his wife dumped him for the drummer
from Hot Black Stardust, the thin one, with the sea-snake tattoos, who’s had his
teeth fixed – and watch out for the strobes, they may reveal more than you’d care
for, hard to describe – let’s put it this way, I’ve seen sights in there that are best
forgotten, so don’t say I didn’t warn you – one more thing; you can trust Chitty
Moll, Bang-Bang and the Siamese twins but if a baby-faced tranny turns up in a
silver shift and high-heeled sneakers, and she offers you a white rose, get out of
there fast, I mean fast and don’t look back – believe me