Skip to content

What Lies Beneath (BSL, with captions and voice over)

Magma 69, The Deaf Issue

Poem in BSL and English by Alison Smith
Performed, Voice Over by Alison Smith
A film by Sandra Alland and Ania Urbanowska

British Sign Language interpreting and translation consultation by Lisa Li

ACCESS:
Voice-over of BSL film-poem by Alison Smith. Captioned. Transcript below. A version without sound is available here

 

What Lies Beneath

Alison Smith

 

 

Giant padding,

protective gauze on stomach

Repair, not wound,

damage from birth

 

Protect myself

from myself

 

If I were I

 

Hate I that lies beneath

gremlin voice screams

 

Sealed over

I’m not allowed to be disappointed

by such imperfection

to want neatness, invisible instant result

 

Surgeon shows me ‘before’ shot

‘Looks better,’

I say out loud

Imperfect improvement

 

The nurse refers me to psychotherapist

because I cry in despair

unguarded

 

I sip tea back to café world

blocking the booming sound tearing the air

 

disappointment

secret desire to cut it out my way

 

If I were I

 

Is it worth it?

Self oppression?

 

I distance away,

stomp petulant rage against

who? Me? Them?

AUTOPILOT CLOSE DOWN

 

Where’s kindness? Compassion?

I challenge the unspoken memories

full ownership of my body

 

No answers follow

gentle breath,

counting

 

The psychotherapist’s talking:

‘Where’s your emotional support?

I imagine you feel let down.’

 

In monotone

I describe the nurse opening the screen to the ward at visiting hours,

my pyjama bottoms at my knees after she injects me

Inside I’m screaming

 

Salmon and a packet of peas brought in from M&S the night before

(the nurse offered me impossible steak and beef),

now dumped on my hospital bed at 7:30am:

‘Patients’ food not allowed in the fridge.’

I think, ‘She’s forgotten my goat’s milk’

soft food diet because I couldn’t swallow

in the first place

 

I control my raging sign language

You don’t tell nurses to fuck off

 

A voice says: ‘You wanted mothering, I can’t give you that…’

All I want is to be told it will be all right

 

I go home after psychotherapist’s interrogation

make banana and blueberry smoothie

sweeten

too numb to make sense

I lie down

my own arms enclose me

 

If I were I

 

I’d scream till they cover their ears

make it real for them

vicious as cold scalpel cuts

icy stares

indifferent fixes

Back To Top